Every family has a unique mood or tone. This is the family atmosphere. The family atmosphere gives children messages about what is important in the family. We, as parents, do not cause our children to make the decisions they do; however, we certainly do set the stage for how children view what is important – we have influence. We can provide an atmosphere for our child that is encouraging, inviting them to belong by being cooperative and useful, or we can set the stage for conflict and competition.
Parents establish the family atmosphere; the atmosphere is in some part, a reflection of parents’ issues and values. Through parents, children absorb the family values and try to fit within the pattern, or the standards set by the parents. In two-parent families, the relationship between the parents sets the pattern for all the relationships within the family. For example, if the parents are warm, friendly and cooperative, the same relationship may possibly develop between children and parents and between the children themselves. Cooperation can become a family standard. Perhaps most important of all, is for you as a parent, to look at yourself and your own private logic - to examine your own decisions about:
• Who you are as a person, a male or a female,
• Who you are as a parent, a role model, a provider, a career person,
• How children are supposed to be,
• How life is supposed to be.
What is your family atmosphere characterized by?
- Authoritarianism • Consistency • Rejection • Disharmony • Hopelessness • Cooperation • Competition • • Inconsistency • • Predictability • Anger • Overindulgence • Materialism • Encouraging • Fairness • Orderliness • Reason • Coercion • Neglect • Sharing •Overindulgence • Friendliness • Pity • Control • Perfectionism • Punishment • Martyrdom • • Chaos • Patience
Self-assessment:
Are you overly invested in control?
□ Do you find yourself continually telling your children what to do?
□ Do you frequently settle arguments?
□ Do your children frequently ask your permission to do things they don’t need permission for?
□ Are you frequently engaged in arguments with your children?
□ Do you need things to be your way?
□ Do you believe that children can “make” you angry?
□ Do you believe you can “make” your child behave the way you want?
□ Do your children withdraw from activities as soon as you begin to participate?
Are you a perfectionist?
□ Do you notice (and comment) when things are not correct?
□ Do you struggle to get things right in most situations?
□ Is it difficult for you to let children help because their work is not up to your standards?
□ Do you do things over that your children have done?
Are you overly concerned with fairness?
□ Are you upset when your children point out instances of unfairness?
□ Do your children use “fairness” arguments to get you to give in?
□ Do you try to treat your children the same?
□ Do you believe that life should be fair?
□ Do you believe that life is unfair?
Are you overly concerned with “teaching” in moments of conflict?
□ Do you constantly remind your children?
□ Do you explain things repeatedly to your children?
□ Do you frequently lecture your children?
□ Do you tell children what they already know?
Are you overly invested in being nice?
□ Do you often feel bad when you set a limit, even if it’s reasonable?
□ Do you find yourself asking or saying “please” when you really mean you expect things to be done?
□ Do you often find yourself saying “Okay?” after you have asked your children to do something?
□ Do you sometimes worry that setting a reasonable limit might traumatize your child?
□ Do you frequently find yourself doing for your children what they can do for themselves?
□ Do you feel very disrespected by your child?
Are you overly protective of your child?
□ Do you frequently find yourself worrying about the influence of others on your child?
□ Do you find yourself planning your child’s day?
□ Do you spend a lot of time checking on what your child is doing?
What is the one challenging issue between you and your child that you want to work on?
Given your self-assessment, what personal “issues” do you think you have that are related to this?
What are some of the ideas you have learned so far that will help you in working on this?